Race for the White House 2016 – Meet the Candidates, Part One

So, if you’re anything like me, you generally avoid politics like the plague and leave the important decision of who should lead the most powerful nation in the free world to people who, like, know or care about that sort of thing.

This election cycle, however, is one I’ve found to be endlessly entertaining.  Why?  It’s such a complete circus, that’s why!  Who doesn’t love a circus?  Fascists, that’s who.  And SJWs–but I repeat myself.

What makes this election so blasted enjoyable?  The candidates.  In addition to the normal boring old establishment candidates spewing their tired rhetoric about things I’m sure people in the know recognize as “important”, this time we have outsiders.  People with personality.  People who aren’t career politicians–or, in a few cases, people who are but seem to be certifiably insane.  The best part is that these very people are throwing the establishment candidates off their normal game and are forcing them to, essentially, evolve.  Those who are evolving, like Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, are doing well in this new political climate.  Those who are not…well, are not.

Just who are these amazing men (and women) in their wonderful flying machines?  How does one who doesn’t really care about politics decide who is the best candidate (presuming one wishes to spend time voting at all)?  Well, that’s where my handy list comes into play!  I’ve done the research, so you don’t have to!  You can thank me later.

This is, as the title suggests, the first part of a two-part post.  The second one will be ready this evening.  Come and meet the freaks, won’t you?

Meet the Republicans!

Donald Trump
Republican Frontrunner
“He’s the President we deserve, but not the one Iowa decided we need right now.”

A billionaire philanthropist who seeks to rescue us from the evils of the world.  In great physical condition for a man of his age (per doctors’ reports).  Extremely intelligent.  Speaks his mind.  Drives a cool car.  Gets along with the rest of the Justice League when he has to but mostly does his own thing.  Thinks the best way to win a war is to beat the enemy.  Came in second during Iowa Caucus because he’s not Cotton Mather and because the Canadian lied about Cliff Huxtable exiting the race.  Founding member of “The Outsiders”.  Cut possibly the most awesome promo ever by calling Ted Cruz a “pussy”.


Jeb Bush
Republican Golden Boy
“Everything’s coming up Jeb!”

Candidate the GOP hoped people would like.  Dynasty candidate.  Most likely to get wedgied by Vladimir Putin.  Some good ideas, but extremely nervous–and, yet, somehow, impossibly it seems, low-energy.  Not as likable as his father or older brother, and not as bold or cool as Bat-Trump.  Smoked marijuana once but probably hot-boxed it.  Optimistic to the point of delusion.  Knows of another Jeb over in Shelbyville.


Rand Paul
The Folksy Republican
“You gotta nip big government in the bud, America!”

Son of Libertarian superman Ron Paul.  Believes in the letter of the law with regards to the rights guaranteed by the Constitution.  Wants government so small that you can barely see it–or understand its purpose and function.  Believes in an America mostly isolated from the rest of the world and its problems (screw you, globally unifying internet).  Endorsed by Otis the town drunk and Marine Veteran Gomer Pyle.  Hasn’t figured out yet that John Ritter is only pretending to be gay so that he doesn’t have to move to a new apartment.  Currently the “Thank God He Dropped Out” Candidate.


Ted Cruz
The Canadian Republican
“This speech was delivered in 3B: three beers and I look like a good candidate, eh?”

Self-proclaimed Reagan Republican in spite of not understanding Reagan-era economics (or, “Reaganomics”) quite like a billionaire real estate mogul–if only we had one of those running.  Born in Canada to an American mother and Cuban father.  Possessed dual citizenship (Canada and the U.S.) until recently.  Eligibility to run in question as not born on American soil.  Won Iowa Caucus by mentioning God a lot and lying about the other guy who mentions God a lot dropping out of the race.  Largely unflappable due to Canadian disposition.  Popular candidate among moose, caribou, and those who think he starred in Top Gun.

Ben Carson
The Brainy Republican
“Y’see Theo, tithing is God’s tax plan.”

Celebrated former pediatric neurosurgeon turned citizen statesman.  Everyone’s lovable African-American 1980s sitcom father.  Believes Biblical outline for tithing is sound tax plan for modern America.  Extremely religious.  Verbally backtracks often on what he considers to be media-led misinterpretations of his direct, recorded, undisputed quotes.  Falters a bit on foreign policy.  Constituency in Iowa was told by Bob MacKenzie that he was dropping out of the race.  Sometimes forgets to take stage when name is called because he’s distracted by thoughts of delicious pudding pops.  Dry, clever wit but low energy.  Member of “The Outsiders”.

Chris Christie
The New Jersey Republican
“Leave your vote, take the cannoli.”

Former District Attorney during 9/11 who started his job as District Attorney several months after 9/11.  Hard on crime but easy on perspiration.  Believes that dead kings can rule from beyond the grave.  Called out Marco Rubio for being, potentially, a robot.  Very concerned about where the gabagool is with regards to the presidency, the Republican party, and…well, everything.  He really wants to know where the gabagool is, and if there is none, why there is none.  Plans much of his campaign from a back room in the Bada Bing gentlemen’s lounge.

More to come!